Dear Diary

Lord, I sometimes wonder if you are really there? Is that a sin? I wonder why when life gets busy and I get distracted and close my ears and mind, its so easy to turn back to find you and feel your comfort. And now, as I have spent the past 20 or so days being intentional about praying, reading scripture, and listening, that you are no where to be found. That doesn't seem fair, it doesn't seem like a real relationship? I have repented of my sins, I have given up a worthless mindless activity to be intentional about giving you the deserved time this relationship deserves, and still....silence. I have a list of questions, prayer requests, doubts, fears, and praises that I offer up, and still....silence. I have pleaded, begged, silenced myself, screamed, asked nicely, cried, laughed about and pondered where you could be, and still...silence.
What's up? God if you are "always with me" than how come I can't find you and I feel so alone? I am constantly fighting off the attacks of Satan trying to convince me to give up, you're not real, what's the point, you don't care. And to be honest I am exhausted and I start to believe all of these lies for a moment, sometimes a day or maybe two.
BUT Lord, I will not give in, I will not let Satan's stupid schemes win. I will hope, I will trust, and I will wait. I probably won't do it gracefully, so it's a good thing you are merciful. I'll check back in with you tomorrow, good night! AMEN

(My actual journal entry from March1st, 2008)