Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Tis the season to be jolly, but I am not

Being a stay at home mom has never been an internal calling for me. In fact, I really struggle at it. However, Brenton and I believe this is best choice for our children right now. And when I went back to teaching last year, I missed them like crazy, so I don't have good definitive answer. I have talked numerous times on this blog about my inabilities to be structured, organized, and joyful about my children all day long. Often times, I feel like I have not followed my path for life. I often feel like I am swimming upstream like a spawning salmon. I battle internally with being "joyful in all circumstances" even though that is what I so deeply desire.
My latest struggle is to be patient, calm, and loving to the children like I want to be. I feel like my fuse is short and voice harsh with them. I hear myself talk to them, and think I would cringe at someone who I heard do that to their children. My problem is, I can't stop. I feel like I am not having fun anymore, and I am always ticked at them for one thing or another. Then I get ticked at myself for expecting them to be perfect. I have forgotten that they are children, walking a constant path of learning and exploring and I've switched to they need to be adults and know right from wrong every time. I can't seem to flip that switch back.
My latest excuse has been that I am tired. But really I am. I've not slept well for a month- when I do finally fall asleep, I have a child waking me. They haven't learned the joy of sleeping in, so I have to get up with them at 7am, sometimes giving me a full 4-5 hours of sleep. I wonder how long I can run this cycle, but I can already tell it's not going well. Sleep has a deep control over my mood, more than food does.
So, in this joyful holiday season, I am searching deep within myself to be joyful. Thankful and grateful is not problem, for there are so many things, but joyfulness is hidden somewhere within me, and I so desperately want it to come back because I don't feel myself. This is not so much a great holiday post, but its me being transparent.


  1. The Christmas season was always hard for me. It seemed like by the time Dec. 24 came along I was running on fumes - too tired to even really enjoy the holidays. I nver really shared that with anyone, though, and I really loved all the parties, shopping, Christmas programs, etc. When I look back, though, I realize that I was often sick just after Christmas. What has changed, you are probably wondering? It does help to have the kids grown. I try to limit the number of extra activities, do less shopping, and have more realistic expectations of what I can get done. I also ask for more help now.
    Stephanie- I think you need to find a rhythm for your life that works for you - whether that be teaching half time, joining a mom's support group, have a wwekly (or daily) coffee/ play time with a friend who has kids,join an exercise gym,etc. Not everyone is made to be a full time stay at home mom. Find a rhythm to your days that works for you.
    And keep reminding yourself how fast the last few years really have gone - in spite of the fact that some days it doesn't feel like it. Before you know it the kids will all be in school, and/or Brenton's schedule will change - and you'll move into another phase of life.
    I will be praying for you!

  2. Steph - I think you just wrote my post for me!! Seriously - I too struggle all the time and I'm the Mom I cringe at when I hear myself! I pray about this all the time! I'm praying with you - if you figure it all out - please share! I too am trying to find joy in this gig called parenting! Don't get me wrong - there are moments, but too often I'm angered by something they did or someone! Hang in there! Here's what i think of all the time............"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

  3. I don't know if this will help, but I was reminded of this article:


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