My latest struggle is to be patient, calm, and loving to the children like I want to be. I feel like my fuse is short and voice harsh with them. I hear myself talk to them, and think I would cringe at someone who I heard do that to their children. My problem is, I can't stop. I feel like I am not having fun anymore, and I am always ticked at them for one thing or another. Then I get ticked at myself for expecting them to be perfect. I have forgotten that they are children, walking a constant path of learning and exploring and I've switched to they need to be adults and know right from wrong every time. I can't seem to flip that switch back.
My latest excuse has been that I am tired. But really I am. I've not slept well for a month- when I do finally fall asleep, I have a child waking me. They haven't learned the joy of sleeping in, so I have to get up with them at 7am, sometimes giving me a full 4-5 hours of sleep. I wonder how long I can run this cycle, but I can already tell it's not going well. Sleep has a deep control over my mood, more than food does.
So, in this joyful holiday season, I am searching deep within myself to be joyful. Thankful and grateful is not problem, for there are so many things, but joyfulness is hidden somewhere within me, and I so desperately want it to come back because I don't feel myself. This is not so much a great holiday post, but its me being transparent.