But on another note, I have had some weak anxiety attack moments the past couple of days. Not anything that requires medical attention (so chill out mom) but moments where I have to stop, hold in the tears brimming at the lids of my eyes and slow deep breaths in and out until I can take another step type of moments.
Why, you might wonder? Getting this new teaching job is why. I am so grateful for this opportunity for so many reasons, which is a whole other blog entry-or maybe it already was. Anyway, I am struggling with focusing on the gains I am getting from this position and continue to think of the losses. I can't barely type that line without losing myself all over my keyboard.
For the past 4 years I have been home with the children. For probably 3 of those 4 years, I have been itching to be working, it's only been withing the past year that I have settled into my role and really loved it. You see, when I planned my life, being a stay-at-home mom wasn't anywhere on my radar screen. There were not even places for flexibility in my plan. So, for 3 years I tried to make many things happen to get me back into the work force. I am probably on track to set a world record for most jobs turned down for AND most random jobs taken in a 4 year span. I know my sweet Accountant Emily would agree with that! :) And just as I decide to close the door on teaching or getting a "corporate" job and submitting to my call as a mom- I get a job offer that in fact was on my life plan so long ago.
God is good! But even knowing that, I am shaking inside with sadness about missing out on the next few years. I know it's crazy, its not like I am going to war for a year or traveling around the world. All I am doing is going to work from 7:30am-3:30pm-1 mile from my house. But its more than that. It's the...
- Morning snuggle time and singing the "good morning" song
- Afternoon imagination time and wrestling time
- Being a volunteer for Jacob's first preschool time
- Hanging out with moms in the neighborhood during the day, that I've come to love time
- Seeing and celebrating the achievements (1st moments) time
- Holding and kissing away the tears time
I've been the one to hold them while they are sick, to teach them manners, to read them stories, the one to cuddle up when I am tired so we can all take a nap together, to make the snack, to have the picnics with, to put on the band-aids and heal it with a kiss, and on and on and on.
And as much as I am sad about missing those things, I know, that this opportunity to teach sets me up for more opportunities to be with them while they make their way through school, those times seem so far away tonight, but I know they will be here and probably gone before I know it. How in the world am I going to send them off to college? St. Olaf will be perfect for all of them! (It's a mile from our house).