Sunday, February 01, 2009

What's mine?

I am on this quest in my life right now for patience and wisdom with parenting. I've expressed before my current struggles with not freaking out on every little thing the kids do or don't do. Today, I had one of those moments where I wanted to freak out, but I heard that little voice telling me not to. I was eating some food, and like most days, it was colder than everyone else's food because by the time I got everyone their drinks, napkins , extra ketchup, and more of something, the food had a chance to cool and I am sure some bacteria had started growing (kidding). Today Andrew reached over and grabbed some food off my plate. Secretly, I wanted to poke him with my fork and tell him to "Back off, you have your own food" but today I smiled at him and asked, "Is it good, do you like it?"
I caught myself off guard that I would be so calm about it. I thought to myself "I think I just acquired some growth."
This whole exchange sent my mind wondering, "What's mine?" As a kid, teenager, and college student, everything was mine. I had my time, my food, my tv show on, my radio station playing, my space, my chair to myself, etc. Since I've become a mom (I guess since I conceived), I lost everything that was once mine, including my body. It could make me depressed some days. Why does one or these 3 little things, get to have equally everything I have? Haven't I put my time in on this earth to have something just for myself? How is this fair- will I ever get something that is mine again? My goodness, the shower used to be my hideaway and even this morning, Izzy wanted to occupy that space with me too. Then I thought, "Why do I so desperately want something for only myself?" The answer is- I don't know! But I do know, that I have been going and going and going at a pace that is not familiar to me lately and selfishly, all I want is be alone in a dark silent room, with no house to clean, no bills to pay, no one to answer to, for at least 15 minutes. Is that too much to ask for? Am I alone in thinking this?
You're probably thinking- you are typing this right now, so you are having "me" time. Nope, I have a little man on lap bouncing around and pretending himself to be typing and occasionally actually hitting the keys to I mess me up.
Don't get me wrong- I love my kids, I love my jobs, I love my friends, and I love my husband, but sometimes a sister needs to be alone and have something for herself. I guess that time will come later, and for now, I will have to continue to try not to poke anyone with my "fork" , but willingly offer more of me with a smile- after all, I am gaining riches in heaven right?!


  1. I'm so with you on this. I really do love my kids and the busyness they bring but sometimes, just for a few minutes, I want go to the bathroom without someone knocking on the door. I want to listen to something other than Backyardigans in the car. I'm not sure what the answer is either but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this.

  2. Amen, sister! I sometimes feel like my frustrations with this build up and then I will have a "back off kids!!" moment. I know that these busy days will give way to days when my kids don't want or need me as much so I should be cherishing every moment... but it's hard when I can't even use the bathroom without someone busting in!


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