I'm losing it!

I'm not talking about losing my mind from my children, although some days that's the case. I am talking about my drive and focus when it comes to weight loss. I don't what's wrong with me, I am finding ways to justify eating after 7:30pm and eating whatever I want. I am still always thinking that I shouldn't eat that cookie or snack, but it's like my mind and actions are not in sync and I can't stop myself from putting whatever it is in my mouth. I don't know where all my enthusiasm went. I have goals, rewards, reasons why I want this so badly, but it doesn't seem to be enough lately. I think it might be from my lack of working out. It's gotten easier to make excuses not to go. I hate when I actually make that choice, but I quickly move past the personal disappointment. So, what's wrong with me? How do I get going again? Someone please slap me and remind me of my reality (size, weight, desires, goals). I think I need to regain the mindset that just because I wish for something doesn't mean it will happen, I need to want it bad enough to make it happen.
So here are my latest excuses:
1. I am too tired
2. I don't have any contacts and don't want to workout with glasses on (I did get some now, so I can't use this one again)
3. We don't have anything healthy to eat in the house, so I will eat the kids food. I don't want to go the grocery store.
4. My knee hurts really bad when I am on the treadmill
5. I am so busy
6. I will just eat a little piece of chocolate so I don't crave it anymore ( I end up eating it all)
7. I just want to hang out with my family when Brenton is home rather than go to the gym
8. It's FREEZING!
9. I need new tennis shoes

I think that's all my excuses, now that I have exposed them to all of you, don't let me use them!!! I really do want to lose the 49 more pounds. I think I am frustrated with losing 12 pounds because I have really no visual results and I only sometimes feel like I have more energy.
Well, it's all out there now. Hopefully I will stop with this pity party and get moving.

Week 6- FC

One more pound down, that's all I have to say about that.

The norm-FC week 5

I am finding myself slipping back into my old ways of eating. Although, I eat less, I am craving the junk that I was eating and I have given in to some of those temptations. Last week I only got to the gym once. With everyone sick, I had no excess energy to offer the treadmill. I did however go yesterday and it kicked my butt. I was really tired, but I pushed myself and completed the full time, and actually ran at a faster pace. When life gets going, taking care of myself is usually the first thing to get neglected- I hate that. This week is already packed with things every night so I know it's going to be hard to get to the gym this week too. I REFUSE to give up, I have come too far to go back to the norm. The norm is not good enough for me! I just need to get kicked out of this funk of slipping back into what I know is so simple. I did weigh in today and I did lose 1 pound (that's 11 total pounds). Not bad for not working out all week- to be completely honest it does discourage me a little I know it's one less pound, but I know I could have done better and done more. The 6:30am workout is always an option for me, but we are not early to bed people and I need to get good sleep so I can function at a level higher than my 3 year old. Well, here goes a new week...

Side question- For those of you that do work out- are you completely exhausted after? I feel like I am pushing myself so hard, that when I come home I want to crash. I feel like I can't get the energy to do anything else. Is this normal? The next day I feel great, but the day of the hard workout I am beat. Does it just take time to get used to exerting all that energy?

FC Week 4- The BIG 10!!!

I just weighed in and I am down 10 lbs total!!!!! That brings me under 200 and only 50 more lbs to go til my goal weight. This is so exciting considering the weekend I had. That makes me losing 4 lbs last week. I really don't know how. I have been running for 30 min on the treadmill and doing a few weights. Maybe it's because I added a little Fergie to my ipod! Uping the water intake is really helping I'm sure and I have not had to give up diet pop! I've just added going to the bathroom a lot- not like it's any different from being prego. I look forward to my workout tonight (I never thought I would say that). Thanks for all the encouragement- it really helps especially when I want to eat a donut or something. I feel like this is a poorly structured paragraph, but I can't change it Andrew needs me.

FC weekend

It has been a rough weekend when it comes to food and working out. First, I have realized that I am not only a social eater, I am a stress reliever eater. Jacob and Isabelle are both battling the flu this weekend. And as many of you know I hate, and in a strange way, fear kids throwing up. I have been challenged with my fear this weekend and I can confidently say I was calm, quick to respond and dealt with it all great! It's more of the anticipation that I fear than anything else. I think once it is happening my "mom mode" kicks in high gear and takes over and all I can do it comfort and take care of the helpless child that is sick. I only had to deal with Izzy. I was thankfully working out while Jake was throwing up. We don't think they have the stomach flu, they both have been coughing so hard that it causes them to puke. I know this is disgusting, but it's the reality of my life.
Anyways, why this has to do with my fat chic journey is because the kids have been battling sicknesses since Thursday so my stress level has been up, not to mention I had 2 Tupperware parties this weekend and some other things scheduled. I did not eat well at all. I feel like I wasn't snacking I was just eating unhealthy meals. But today I finally got to work out for the first time since Thursday. It felt really good but it seemed like forever. Tomorrow is the big weigh-in so stay tunned for more details...

FC update week 3

Last week was discouraging, but I have not given up and I actually made some progress this week. I up'd my water intake, and my cardio time. I also had some killer workouts this week. I didn't want to make it, but I did, and I was so glad when it was over. I just weighed in, and I lost 3 lbs this week!!!!! YIPPY I am so excited! So that's 6 lbs total. This week is going to be hard to fit the workouts in. I have 3 Tupperware commitments and Brenton has to work late the nights I don't have parties or meetings. I guess I will have to get up early and hit the gym at 6am- oh man that makes me exhausted just thinking about that. Keep praying for me- the temptations and cravings are coming on strong. I wish this was a faster process, but when was anything worth something easy?

Fat chic update week 2

I've gotten a little discouraged already!!!!! I only lost 1 pound last week. I worked out 5 times, and I thought I was eating less and healthier. Most of the day I feel like I could eat my arm off. New Year's Eve we had a party and I did some unhealthy eating, but that was only one day. We Fondued so I tried to only have a couple pieces of each thing. I have although resisted pizza, chicken nuggets, cookies, candy, and over eating. What's the deal- I'm frustrated and it's only been 2 weeks. Can I really do this for the rest of my life????

Fat Chic week one update

I made it through Christmas being able to enjoy in moderation all the delicious food and I lost 2 pounds!!!! YIPPY for me. I know it doesn't seem like much, but I was super excited. Back to the gym tomorrow!

Thank you!

The response to my Fat Chic post has been great! I desperately needed all the comments and emails that I have been receiving. It seems that EVERY time I want to give into the temptations and use the "holiday" excuse to eat I get an email or comment that reminds me of my commitment to myself and reminds me that I CAN do this. I must say, I do feel like I am starving most of the time, I know it will decrease as I go, but I feel like gnawing my arm off most of the day. I did miss the gym this morning, our power went out, and when I looked at the clock it was flashing so my alarm never went off. I am debating heading there at 9pm tonight when Brenton gets home, or just going tomorrow morning.

Thanks again for your support, believe me- it's really helping!

If anyone has any delicious HEALTHY recipes or healthy snacks please send them my way. www.stephaniebalvin@gmail.com

Fat chic day 2

It's been 2 whole days and I feel like it's been at least a week. Yesterday and today I went to the gym and did some cardio and weights. I am trying to get some weight routine going. It feels like FOREVER since I have done anything like that. I am feeling good- last night I was really tired (I am also battling a cold, and got my female friend for the first time in over a year). I think I have ADD when it comes to working out. I feel like I am dying while I am on the elliptical or bike and then I look at the clock and it's only been 1 min. So, I have to jump from thing to thing to keep me motivated, engaged, and going. The first day I rode the bike for 10 min, ran on the track for 5 min. created a weight lifting routine and then did the elliptical for 15 min. I guess whatever keeps me from being bored.

My food consumption has been the biggest challenge. Yesterday I had a lunch meeting with someone at Chipotle. Oh man, I love that place!!! So because I ate there, I was trying to eat less throughout the day. Today has been better. I am REALLY hungry, but I am resisting the Christmas cookie temptations. I am trying to eat a little- more often, rather than a lot at once.

I really appreciate the comments of encouragement and suggestions. Also, thank you to those that have emailed me, believe me every encouragement runs through my head while I am trying to convince myself to get off the bike or to stop running. I have to keep repeating to myself, "Smaller jeans, smaller jeans, smaller jeans!" so far it has worked.

I have a long way to go, and I know this might be one of the most difficult journeys I go on, but I am still determined to make it!

Fat chic-step one

Brenton and I bought a 3 month membership to the Monticello Community Center today. Now we are trying to come up with a plan so that I can go in the morning before he leaves for work. This would mean sacrifices on everyone's part.
1. Earlier to bed
2. Brenton would have to wake up early with Andrew
3. I would have to get up at 6:30AM - YIKES!

Here is the first of my embarrassing statistics:

Weight: 207 lbs
Pants size: 16-18
Shirts: XL

I can not believe I just posted that, but it makes it so much more real. Stay tuned

Fat chic

Today marks a day that I hope to soon forget. For most of my life, I have always seen myself as the 'fat chic'. I know it's not a nice phrase, but I've always thought that. I think the only true reason I never became anorexic is because I love food too much. It's like an addition for me. Just as an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol, I would say I am addicted to food. (I use the term addiction because it’s the only word that best describes my lack control in not over eating) So basically for as long back as I can remember I have seen myself as the fat chic. Recently, I saw some pictures of myself taken back in college, and some at my wedding. I look and can see now, that I in truth was not fat at all, so why did I think I was? I think back to the amount of time I spent in the weight room, health clubs, and on the basketball court and I think, how on earth could I have been fat, I always seemed to take care of myself. Well, I am 4.5 years into marriage and 3 kids later, and I can truthfully say for the first time, that I really am the fat chic. I officially weigh more today than I ever have before in my life. I am in the largest size clothes I have ever been in, and I feel the worst (physically) that I ever have! So, what do I do about it, because I don't want to just complain about it. I have tried program diets, starving sessions, reading books, watching shows, and drank shakes. You name it, I've tried it. I think about losing weight and being smaller more than anything else in my day. The one true thing I have not tried is being vulnerable, honest with myself and others, and HARD WORK! I guess you can say I was looking for instant gratification.
So here it is. I plan on using my readers of this blog as an accountably group. If anyone else wants to join the group let me know so I can add you to my list. What I plan to do is to be VERY real almost to the point to TMI (Too much Information) and embarrassment of myself. I need to honest with myself and others about the control issues I have with food. I need to bring the dark sides of this addiction into the light and hope that others can encourage, support, and walk through this journey with me. I plan on journaling my daily food intakes, weekly weigh-ins, my temptations, failures and successes.

This is very uncharacteristic of me to open up my life like this on something that is so public. So over the next couple of days I hope to come up with a plan to start taking back control of what and how much I eat. I hope to lose 60+ pounds the healthy way not just for myself, but for my husband, and for my kids. I know I will have more energy to run and play with them and I have a lesser chance of dying from heart disease or some other obesity disease at an early age. And let's not forget that this is the body that God gave to me to take care of and not abuse. I need to honor that as well.

I would love help in making a plan. Here are a couple things to remember. First, we don’t have much money. A healthy club membership is rather expensive these days. And if I can afford the membership, I can’t afford the babysitter cost on top of that. Second, along with the lack of unlimited funds, healthy food is expensive! It’s much cheaper to serve up a box of Hamburger helper, than it is to buy all the ingredients for a salad or whole grain, low fat meal. Third, my husband works strange hours, and I have 3 small children. So if you have some suggestions working with these 3 criteria let me know.

So, I welcome EVERYONE into the journey with me and invite some of you to do it with me, but I am serious about ending this fat chic cycle of my life. Please stay tuned to find out what will happen next...