Mrs. Balvin

I am subbing today at the Northfield Middle School. Its FUN! I will be in the computer lab all day since all the classes are working on a geography project. If I had the chance to get a teaching degree again, I would for sure get a middle/high school level license. They plan one lesson for the day. When I was an elementary teacher I had to plan 7 lessons everyday. This is so much easier and I can reason with the kids so much more.

I think the older I get the more I understand middle/high school aged kids. Because I had really bad experiences in middle school, I always thought I never wanted to work with that age because they are all a bunch of punks that think they know everything. However, the more I work with them the more I like them and find them interesting and fun to work with. I especially enjoy that they are at that vulnerable age of exploring which path to go down, the good...or the not so good. Hopefully, I will be positive influence to those that I do work with(esp. my bball girls and my own kids), and hopefully, I have can steer them away from the bad path.

"Love Heals your Heart"- Third Day

I am not a music savvy person, in fact, usually I like music for the beat because I can't understand the words. But every once and a while, a song will catch my ear and touch my heart, that's usually when I share it with you. Tonight while I was making dinner, Mac and Cheese- high quality nutrition- I was listening to my ipod and this song came on. Oddly, I don't know how this song got on my ipod because I have never heard it before therefore I wouldn't have known to load it into my favorites folder. I listened to it like 5 times in a row and loved it more each time I heard it. I couldn't find a video for you you to hear it yourself, so here are the words. If you have EVER walked through a difficult time in your life (hopefully everyone has, if not I need your secrets) and you have had walk through the healing journey, you will love this song! I tried to bold parts that I thought were awesome, but it ended up being the whole song.

Artist: Third Day Lyrics
"Love Heals Your Heart"

Did you think you were immune to this
Did you think you could escape without infection
You do all you're able to resist
Just to avoid the danger of rejection

Memory warns you of the past
When it all went wrong

When you think your life is shattered
And there's no way to be fixed again
Love heals your heart
At a time you least expected
You're alive like you have never been
Love heals your heart

Everybody has a wall to climb
That was built to guard the pain that holds them captive
Every smile that they would hide behind
Will try to mask the hurt beneath the surface

Sometimes it's hard to understand
How we're trapped inside

The day after Christmas doesn't make me sad that all the festivities are over, in fact it makes me excited for the new year that is to come in less than a week! With this past year I have walked that healing journey, and this song is EXACTLY right- it's only the LOVE of Jesus that can heal your heart. If you are hiding behind that smile I hope and pray that you experience the healing love too! It's the hardest journey you may ever go on, but I promise the reward is worth it!

Motherhood

I often times find myself sinking in my chair in social settings knowing that someone will ask what I do for a living. I am not sure why I think being a mom isn't enough, but the world around me sometimes feeds me that message, and weakly I buy into it. Who am I trying to impress? What am I trying to prove?

From my friend Tiffany's blog.
"Motherhood is a gift and a season of life to treasure. If you’re a mom, you can stand with dignity, offer no apology for what you do, and say, "I’m a wife and mother. I love my job.""
~Jill Savage

Recalls again

When the recalls first started coming out about the toys, I really didn't think much about them. My kids didn't have any of the toys they were talking about, and I was questioning chances of a child actually ingesting enough lead from the toy to make them sick or have any effect on them. I guess my thought process was, I made it in this world this long, and I am sure there were worse things in stuff I was playing with. Probably a naive thought.
With this newest recall I am a bit more concerned about what my children are playing with. I really couldn't believe this story when I heard it. You have to watch the video or read the report. I guess there is nothing that is safe anymore- these were "Agua" dots. Isn't aqua a fancy name for water!?

Falling back

The days always see longer after daylight savings. It also means there are COLD days ahead! The kids wake up earlier from the morning sunlight, and the darkness of night comes too quickly, making me think we are close to bed time, only to discover it's only 5:30p. For some reason I get so unmotivated around this time of the year. I don't feel like doing or going anywhere. I knew I was made to live in warmer sunny weather. I mean, I am Hawaiian for goodness sakes! :). In 6 months, I will be enjoying warmer sunnier days. So I guess I need to bear down and hibernate for a while.

No words

The pink ribbon has been on my mind a lot lately. First, my aunt found out she has skin cancer and now I found out that a woman I sell Tupperware with was diagnosed with Breast cancer. I am having a difficult time wrapping my head around it all. She is only 30 years old with 2 kids. She recently started selling Tupperware so she could quit her job and stay home. Within the past month she finally did quit her job and has been loving being at home with the little one and the other is in school! My eyes well up with tears every time I think about those little kids and not comprehending why there mommy might be sad or feel sick. I play out in my head having to sit my kids down and explain such 'over their head' things like Chemo therapy, radiation and what that might mean for the family. She mentioned that the kids are already are asking if they did anything to cause it, or can they do anything to make it go away. WHOA- what a burden they lay upon themselves without needing to. As I search for some inspiring or uplifting things to say to her, I always find myself thinking,What if it was me? What would I do? How would I act? What would I want people to say or not say? I still don't think I've come up with anything good. She is strong and courageous so far, she is looking up and knowing that she will come out on top, and through it all God will make her a better person for it. I pray that she keeps her spirits up, and that she does beat this. I pray I have the right words or truth for her when she needs them most and I mostly pray for her children and husband that they to have the faith it will take to make it through.

Life sentence in her heart and mind

I feel really sad for this mother. I don't know her whole story, but the consequence of bad judgment will haunt her the rest of her life. She will relive and doubt the choices she made every day that she lives its a life sentence in her mind. I don't necessarily believe she should be sent to jail for it, but I don't know claim to know how the court system works.

One of those days

Do you ever wake up and wonder how you can be so tired? That is how I feel today. I can't seem to snap out of feeling exhausted and as if I am still sleeping. What gives? Maybe a trip to Target will help! :)

Thinking out loud

Some time in my life I learned that to make a decision that I don't know the right answer to and don't feel a strong prompting from God either way that I should create a pros and cons list. Today was my second interview at Bethel. It went well (I think) all the women that I would be working with were there and from what I could tell, I think I would mesh well with them all. I haven't been offered the job, in fact I don't know yet if I will get the final interview next Monday. But I am trying to figure out what is best for our family and for me IF I do get another interview or IF I do get offered the job. So, here are my lists of pros and cons- just so I can think out loud.

PROS-
Get to work at Bethel University (always something I wanted to do)
Discounted Preschool for Jacob and Isabelle
Christian Preschool
Friendships for Jacob and Isabelle with kids their age
FREE Tuition for me as a faculty so I could start working on my marriage and family therapy license (sometime)
No bringing work home
Requires me to live more on a schedule
A job I think I would enjoy and that I would do well in
Health insurance
Retirement plan

CONS-
Distance from current home (could change)
Only part time til January
Low pay
Cost of child care/preschool
Less flexibility to go to the beach, parents, outings (basically home in the summer- I hate the winter)
Andrew- is he getting the short end of the stick since I was only home 1 year with him?
Forced to live on a schedule (it's on both lists, I know)

There they are, my lists. Now I need to really be in prayer and communication with Brenton about how this is good and/ or bad for our family. There is also a lot weighing on if Brenton gets the job at Target and where he will be placed, and where we will live. I am feeling so emotionally overloaded right now, that I could burst. These are all good things to be thinking about, but its too much for my mind to comprehend and plan, and think about at once. Breathe 1...2...3 Breathe 1...2...3- I guess Lamaze is more useful than I thought :) I will keep you posted.

*** I do have one sucky thing to think about. I got pulled over for the first time today, and I got a ticket- YUK!

Leaving your trail

On our vacation we needed to stop for some bathroom breaks along the way. It got me thinking about the trail we leave behind. If I hadn't todl anyone that we were going, and something happened to us, could they find us with the DNA trail we leave behind us? As I was helping Izzy on the potty, she got a little pee on the seat. I really don't like it when people leave their DNA on the seat for me to clean, so I cleaned the seat after Isabelle. I was thinking as I was doing that, what if I didn't clean the seat and left it there. That is my daughters DNA. Then we washed our hands, I had to touch the faucet, now we have left our finger prints. Then I started thinking about all the other random things we have ever touched or if I have ever spit somewhere, or if I lost any hair or dripped blood. Had I ever thrown out a banana peel or apple core, both would be covered with proof of me. I was amazed at all the places we leave our trail. It's no wonder criminals get caught. We are constantly without a conscious thought, leaving our DNA trail behind us. It's amazing to me. It's a totally random thought process that I had with this whole thing, I think I have seen too many CSI episodes.

Personal play lands

Being a mom of 3 young kids, it seems obvious that I would be interested in getting a back yard swing set. I have been driving around lately noticing all the houses that do have swing sets. It seems that every other yard has one in them. I have made 2 observations about these? First, why does every house need one? Why wouldn't you just all share one- it could build some close friendships with kids and parents. Second, I didn't see one kid on any set in the several neighborhoods that I was in. I think I would make my kids be out there everyday. I have also heard from some parents that do have them, that there kids still ask to go to the park even though they have the set in their yards. It makes me question if I really do want to get one with our future house and yard. Is it worth the money? Will they just want to go somewhere else if we get one? Does anyone have one? What's your opinion of them, do your kids like them?

Listed

We will be officially putting our townhouse up for sale tomorrow. It's been a long anticipated event. We still don't know what the future holds for us, but we feel this is the next step that we are suppose to take in moving forward. It's been painted, the landscaping is done, things are packed up, and some cleaning has been done. We still need to, get the carpets cleaned, do a deep cleaning, and continue to pack things up. As I work on things daily there are so many emotions that go along with doing something like this.

Will it sell?
How long til it sells?
Where should we go?
This is our first home together, its sad to move?
I like our home?
Will we be able to afford anything as nice as this house?
How will I keep it clean?
Will anyone want to look at it?

I will keep a positive attitude, and know that God has always taken care of us, and He will continue to guide our path. We will be obedient to his lead. If we should move, then we will. If we should stay, we will. We have been praying for God to be preparing someone to buy our home, unfortunately we don't know if that's in 5 days or 15 months. We are praying for the price we are listing it for. Moving will be a huge financial help for us, and we are excited to continue to life path in a new place and hope to get a house with a fence for the kids to run around in!

A witness

I witnessed a really bad accident 2 days ago as I was driving to a meeting. It was on the highway, and traffic was moving at least 70 mph. A car in the right lane didn't see traffic was stopping a head so he swerved into the left lane and ran right into a car. The car in the left lane spun around and the air bags popped open. The car that swerved flipped up and flipped into the ditch. It was so freaky. There was debree everywhere and the car that swerved was upside down in the ditch. I immediately started praying that no one had died. I was so shocked by it all, I didn't know what I should do next. There were people stopping and running to help. People were on their cell phones, and assisting the injured lady from the car that was hit. I started thinking, should I stop? What would I do if I did? Do I look like a jerk if I am the first person to drive through it without seeing if everyone is ok? I have no skills or abilities to offer. Then, I realized there are enough people helping, I would only be in the way. So I slowly drove by, praying for the people there. I felt sick to my stomach. As I continued to drive, I was feeling happy about all the people that did help. I witnessed the goodness in people, the genuine care and concern people have to help and do whatever they can so someone, a stranger, is safe. My hope in people was restored a bit since I sometimes think people only care about themselves, especially when driving, and I hope that if I am ever in that situation, people will come help me too.

***I heard later that night, that no one died. There were some serious injuries but no death- Praise the King!

I'm not indispensable

Brenton sent this to me through an email, and it's something we were talking about last night. As I continue down the road to be more like Christ, I need to grasp that his plan will continue on long after I am gone, but I MUST allow God to use me to do his work, while I am here. I can not do anything greater than God, and I can't do anything great without God.

In Devotional

I have this quote from J.I. Packer's book Evangelism and the Sovereignty of God, written on the first page of my personal journal:

...the Christian must never for one moment imagine himself to be indispensable to God, or allow himself to behave as if he were. The God who sent him, and is pleased to work with him, can do without him.

I have good and relatively important work to accomplish today. I'm sure you do as well. Let's give ourselves to our responsibilities and duties with joy. Let's work as unto the Lord. But let's not believe, even for a nanosecond, that the success and accomplishment of God's agenda depends on us. He's pleased to use us, and that is more than amazing. But he can do without us.
God's plan is going to march forward even if you and I drop dead later today. And isn't that truth good for the soul? We worship and serve the Sovereign One.
~ Josh Harris

Stop...Pray....Think...Praise

Carrying the cross

Today is Good Friday- such an ironic name for the day. Last Sunday I was having a bad day and a lady at our church touched my shoulders and said, "You look like you have a lot on your shoulders, what cross are you carrying?" She reminded me as we head into Holy week, that I need to give my cross over to Jesus, because he chose to carry it for me. Because I am so emotional, I broke down, and she prayed with her hands on my shoulder. As she was praying my shoulders were tingling and it felt like the stress, disappointment, and fear was lifted. I was reminded that I need to give my worries, cares, fears to God. I was reminded that the cross is enough...I don't need anything else. I don't need to carry the crosses in my life, because Jesus already did, He wants to and asks me to let Him do it for me. That's awesome!

So, what crosses are you carrying? Don't try to do it on your own. God wants to carry it for you, and today is the day to remember that he already has!

The Waiting Place

This is one the greatest children's books! I love it. My kids love when Brenton and I read this. I believe there is so much truth about my life in this book. We seem to be in the "waiting place". Oddly, this book offers some self help as I think about where we have been, where we are, and where we hope to go!

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself 
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted.  But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out?  Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF  you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
            
The Waiting Place...
...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a  train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

Would you Change?

We sang this song at church and ever since the words, "would you change" run through my head. It's a great song, read through it, or buy on itunes. It's by Tracy Chapman called, Change. I am not one that likes to think about the changes I have to make, I would rather make someone else change. I'm quickly learning, life's not that easy. I am learning to embrace change rather than fight it. Change can be a blessing in disguise.

Change
by Tracy Chapman

If you knew that you would die today
Saw the face of God and love
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low that you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good, does it need to get?
How many losses? how much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around
Makes you try to explain
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change
Makes you change

If you knew that you would be alone
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would find a truth
That would bring a pain that can't be soothed
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good, does it need to get?
How many losses? how much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around
Makes you try to explain
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change
Makes you change

Are you so up right
You can't be bent
If it comes to blows
Are you so sure you won't be crawling
If not for the good why why risk falling
Why risk falling?

If everything you think you know
Makes your life unbearable
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you'd broken every rule and vow
And hard times come to bring you down
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and loved
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you saw the face of God and loved
If you saw the face of God and loved
Would you change?
Would you change?

Noting much to say

I really have not had much to say lately. Nothing to tell, ask, or report. I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting lately on my life; the purpose, future, choices I've made, places I've been, people I know or knew. I can honestly say that there have not been any real "ah-ha" moments, but it's been interesting. I think there are distinct times in my life where I can see the path I've chosen. I see the blessings and consequences that came from those choices. Regrets, some; Disappointments, of course; Love, more than I expected or deserve. This sounds to me like a new year's reflection, but I think it is more a life reflection. Where do I want my life to go in the next phase? Do I really have control of where my life goes? Is this (changing diapers, tieing shoes, disciplining, cleaning up, doing laundry) all there is for me? Is this all that God wants me to do? I never would have written my life like this, not in a million years. But I guess I move forward with contentment and thank God that this is the life I have.

I'm not terminally ill. My children are healthy, active, funny, cute, and loving. My husband works hard so I can stay home. We have a home, car, clothes, food, and many extra things we don't need to survive.

Like I said I have nothing much to say, just a lot of rambling thoughts in my head. It feels good to get them out.

Late night

I don't remember the last time I was up until 2am. Last night, I went to the grocery store at 9:00pm and when I came home I made some things that are easy to just heat up over the next couple of days. By the time that was done it was almost 11. Then we started a movie. According to the "academy" Babel is one of the best films of the year. I disagree with the academy, and wish they could give me back the 2+ hours I wasted watching it. First, it's almost all in another language, so I have to assume I know what's going on by the actors manorisms. The parts that were in English were parts with Brad Pitt, so that was good! There were actually a couple of really disturbing parts of the movie. I found myself wanting to stop watching. Finally, towards the end of the movie, we found the remote to put on subtitles. It was a little better because I knew what the actors were saying, but it been so long that I was a little unsure of why they were saying things, and it was after 1 am and I was not up for reading every time someone spoke. Maybe I would like the movie better if I had watched the whole thing with subtitles, but I doubt it! The worst part was that I had to get up early today so I am exhausted. I think I am getting too old! ;)